Dear Asha: 12/25/16

12/25/16

Dear Asha:

Merry Christmas, darling. I am gazing at you across the room. You are making the face that I attribute to feeling happy and perhaps reading my mind and feeling acknowledged. I was looking at a picture of you today. It's from when Deena was a freshly arrived pup into our lives. You two are snuggling in the papazon chair that I used to have.

Then, I thought of last night when you came up and snuggled against Deena on the blanket on the couch. You only do these things in the winter, so I know it is in large part due to keeping warm. But it made me wonder/realize that perhaps you have been the snuggler all along. People don't give you credit since you're not always welcoming to those you haven't known for a long time. You'll hiss or wail or sometimes bite or scratch. But I think snuggling is in your true nature.

Of course, you always snuggle with me. I am your mommy and you are my kitten. You are doing it right now – you are kneading the blanket on my lap and purring your beautiful song. It's a little bit of a compulsive behavior, but it's so cute and feels good (as long as your nails are trimmed). But I think I realized you like to snuggle with others as well. You want to be in contact. You used to snuggle with Shadow, but I think she got most of the credit because she was naturally snuggly with everyone.

Deena, however, does not naturally snuggle with you. She does with me and other people and sometimes other dogs. But you are the one who has approached her the times you've lain with contact or near-contact between you. Even when she was a puppy, it was you who went and laid next to her. I think that's the thing – it was natural for you to do that. It's only been because of her behavior since that has made you stop. Of course, there's no way to verify this, but it really makes my heart smile when I think how you want to not only be loved, but be loving. You want to sidle up next to your family and be warm and cozy and in contact.

I love you so much, Asha. I said yesterday that you've been with me 1/3 of my life. That's kind of a big deal. That's a lot of knowing each other. I know I've been through many life changes in that time. And people don't often think of their pets doing that as well, but when Shadow died – who had always been there for you – your life changed immensely. Here we are, almost five years later, and I feel like I'm just now getting to see you open up again and be a kitty in the way I knew you when you were young. You've played fetch a few times recently. You've played with some of your toys recently. You've snuggled with Deena. I love to see this in you, my darling. I know part was the loss of your soul mate. The other part was the addition of this dog that doesn't really relate to you very well. And when I looked at that picture, I saw you trying to relate to her. I love you. Thank you for the arm massage right now.

Shannon

Dear Shannon (me): 12/13/16

12/13/16

Dear Shannon:

Hey girl, it's me, Shannon. Sometimes you are working to make life changes. Frequently, you are working to make life changes. And when you are working specifically on the ones that are routine-based, it seems if you miss one time or one day, you think THAT'S IT! YOU SUCK!

Well, I'm here to tell you, that is just silly. Let's see how you did in the last four weeks…

You began November 15. First of all, good job just beginning in the middle of the month, and the middle of the week. Sometimes you like to say to yourself that you will start X, Y or Z in the new month or on Sunday. Nope, you just started. Good fucking job.

Goal 1-Eat three meals per day (meaning eat breakfast within an hour of waking): 96% successful

Goal 2-Have a snack every day: 100% successful

Goal 3-Walk a certain number of miles each day: 82% successful

Goal 4-Exercise 30 minutes at least 3 times per week: 66% successful (that's really good considering one of the weeks was Thanksgiving and then your period)

Goal 5-Stop eating two hours before bedtime: 78% successful

And your average success percentage is…..

84.4%

Well, Shannon, considering how much you believe in doing these things at least 80% of the time, good job!!!

Love you,

Shannon

Dear Deena: 12/17/16

12/17/16

Dear Deena,

I had a dream with you in it last night. I wanted to write this letter this morning with the dream fresher in my mind; I had to get ready for work.

There was a massage office with the same or almost the same entrance as the SWIHA massage clinic, only this was a privately owned business. Several people who had graduated from SWIHA were working there. I went in to check out the rooms and potentially work there too. Gilad worked there.

Each room was huge – the size of a bedroom. Each room was decorated in its own style and pattern, but all the rooms looked like the decorations were based on very old styles, like middle ages: velvet draperies and soft materials against stark spaces. Gilad pointed to a room in the back and told me I needed to check out that room; it was the best. I imagined it was because it had the best view. Without looking at the room yet, I knew the window would face the only area without any buildings or other man-made things to obstruct the trees and grass.

I didn't get a chance to look all the way at the room. Something changed in the dream and there was some commotion with the people who worked there – most of whom I knew from SWIHA someway or another. Iko was arriving and she had brought her two dogs (in real life she only has one). Then, I needed to go somewhere. I was driving and my car started freaking out like it was breaking down. A light on the dash came on that looked like the globe. The car started beeping at me. I was freaking out a little. And suddenly I needed to go back to where I was.

I got back (was it still the massage place?) and you were there, dead, on the ground. There was blood coming from your mouth pooled on the ground. I think I freaked out again. I imagine that I did. I don't remember much after that. When I woke, I know I was trying to get in touch with the feeling I had during the dream. I always think that's what's important about dreams: what feelings they conjure and where those feelings exist in your real life. Everything else is just symbolism

As I write this, you just jumped up next to me and began licking my arm. I love you so much.

So, I was trying to contact the feeling. I actually think I was enraged in the dream. I didn't specifically recall grief or mourning from the dream. Rage. Was it because I didn't completely listen to my inner knowing? Was it just the first stage of grief? Was it because someone did something to you? Was it because of neglect? These are things I'd probably be able to answer if I had written this first thing in the morning. C'est la vie.

I love you. I said to you the other day that you are sensitive. You had an interesting reaction to that. You are sensitive, my darling. I love you.

Shannon

Dear Judy: 12/13/16

12/13/16

Dear Judy,

I just got your Christmas gift in the mail today. I love it. I genuinely do.

For the last years, as many as I can remember, you have sent me a cat gift. At first, I think I was annoyed because I wanted money. Plus, I'm used to family members sending money if they send anything at all. It's interesting because I'm not close to my extended family, so they became dollar signs in my eyes?

As the cat gifts continued coming, I went through a period of thinking you don't know me at all. Which is essentially true. None in my family really know who I am as an adult, including my mom. She knows the most, but still very limited.

Then, I looked forward to the cat gifts because I appreciated you sending me a gift in the first place. This is what we are told we are supposed to feel when we receive presents. Perhaps it's age or repetition that brought the feeling about for real. And I liked the view of me in your eyes. Maybe you did have trouble buying me a present, wondering if I would like it. But I really began to appreciate them. And the tea cup was my very favorite. I still use and love it.

I saw you earlier this year. You and your sister came to visit my mom. The three of you came down to Phoenix and we went to Butterfly Wonderland. Mostly, I liked seeing you all together. I like that my mom has sisters and you can experience part of her life on the other side of the country. I also kind of did some hinting when we were in the gift shop. Not so much that I wanted you to buy me something there, but that I like things without cats on them. Just give you a little glimpse.

And this year, I could tell before opening the package that there was a book inside. And when I unwrapped it, it was two books-journals, in fact. I LOVE JOURNALS. Perhaps you asked my mom what I would like. There are no cats in sight. Though, a journal with a cat on it would be cute. I especially like (though you probably don't know you did this) that the colors of the journals are the same color that was the theme in my grandparents' house, the house you still live in. The journals are for me, and have a flavor of you and my grandparents. I love it. I love it. Thank you, Judy.

Shannon