12/12/16
Dear Ryan,
I had a dream about
you last night. In real life, your cat died recently; in the dream
you had bladder cancer. I put those statements next to one another
because the feelings were similar for me. Like, I can feel the pain
you're going through, but not really. It's been a long while since I
lost a beloved pet. I can relate, but from a distance away. I also
have not had cancer. It is impossible to know what that experience
would be.
In the dream, with
your bladder cancer, I could feel my bladder responding. Anytime I
hear of someone with some bladder issue or UTI, my bladder responds.
I had bladder infections as a child. I even remember my mom taking me
to a doctor to have all my plumbing tested. They filled my bladder
with water to see how much it could hold; they stuck an uninflated
balloon up my asshole and then inflated it; they did whatever kind of
scan is appropriate for looking at the bladder. The only information
I remember them leaving us with was that my bladder was 1/3 the size
it was supposed to be, and it would grow once I went through puberty.
I remember my mom
during those moments. More accurately, I remember what I believe I
felt from my mom in those moments. I was her only child. She didn't
have any other children before or after me to gauge what was the
right answer or better choice. Just me. And what I felt from her
during difficult moments like that was like she couldn't stand to put
me through it, but she just didn't know what else to do. She worked
as a scientist and wanted some answers.
I wet the bed at
least until 6th grade. It was at an age when I was having
sleep overs at other people's homes. My mom would tell their moms
that I may or may not wet the bed. Perhaps I needed to wear my
Depends at night. My friends were lovely and understanding, but it
was still embarrassing.
I haven't had a
bladder infection for as long as I can remember. But when people
discuss bladder issues, or when I dream about them at night, my
bladder lights up in recognition and starts to bother me. I do
remember in the dream wondering if I had bladder cancer.
Anyway, Ryan, I am
sorry about your cat. I know she was as old as my cat, and therefore,
has been with you a very long time. Your little soul familiar. I love
you, and I loved the joy Asa brought you. My heart goes out to you.
Shannon
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