1/31/17
Dear Mom:
We went to the
arboretum today. I loved it. You mentioned while we were there that
you had been trying to come visit once per month while it's beautiful
outside here and cold up there. I hadn't noticed you were doing that.
But you were here last month and the month before. You said you'd
come again next month. That makes me happy.
You asked me how
Jenna is doing with her baby. That prompted my question: what did you
do/what was it like when I was a baby.
(Interlude: as I'm
writing this Asha is snuggling up next to Deena. Contact and
everything. I love this rarity)
You said I didn't
cry for a long time. Then I became a fussy baby. You had wanted twins
but when I got fussy you were glad you just had me. That was also the
end of you wanting anymore kids. You've told me that before, but I
didn't know it was because of the fussiness.
You told me you
didn't work for three months. Then, you went back and left me with a
sitter who had been recommended by someone. But you would pick me up
and I'd have a diaper full of poop. And when I was ready to start
crawling the woman would keep me shut up in my chair because she
didn't have time to follow me around. That was the straw for you. You
didn't want my development hindered that way. You took me out and put
me in regular daycare.
You also said I was
having a hard time digesting milk. You didn't breastfeed. And when
you told the doctor about the milk they basically gave you no help at
all. There was no help for things like that.
I am interested to
hear about these things. So many things I ask about, you tell me you
just don't really remember. Perhaps that is why I've started this
little blog. To remember.
I love you. Very
much. I know I was asking you some questions when you were
complaining about work. Mostly, I don't like to feel how much you
despise things about people. For your own well being, really. And I
think it would be neat if there could be some resolution. I'm pretty
sure I got a lot of my need to be “right” from you. I don't think
you're wrong. I think that I'd like you to be happy.
Anyway, I can't make
you do anything. Just like you can't make anyone else do anything.
And I fucking love you. I like seeing you and Tim, and I like seeing
just you. It was nice to get some quality mom and me time together.
Thank you for making the huge-ass trek down here. I think you drove 8
hours today. So good to see you. I'll come to you in our warm months.
Looking forward to
seeing you soon,
Shannon
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